C+C text - need native speaker to write bad english

[Albert Cuandero]

maybe a bit unusual post for here - but I really need help. With this one:

In my game the main character (Sunny) receives a letter from her best friend (Gwenda) who is currently visiting Switzerland. So far so well, however I made Gwenda's character a very superficial, highly sexual active spoiled rich-mans-brat with a weakness for booze, parties and expensive styles (the word "bimbo" might jump into one or other sexistic mind).

My trouble: how does such a person write a letter? I tried (see bellow) but I don't know, since I am not native in english, if it really "feels" like someone who's reading habits usually stop at fashion catalogues and rap lyrics... (of course I have overdone it with the anti-orthography, to reach a humorous effect)


Deer Sunny,
maybe you'll reed dis while I'm bak in da uni next week or maybe some one steels da lettar befor?!
No problem if dis happend since I drawed a mapp on da bak dat shows U all what's up here in Swissland.
Luvly playse & also has beach & party all nite! Dat meens from evening 2 mornin with boyz & all booze's free if U'r sexy!!!!!!!!
Sory, 4 da long lettar, butt I now U like 2 do da reading stuff!
Kisses
Gwenny
PS: I'll go to a playse called "Salzbergwerk" morrow. It's spoused 2 be more kool dan da party, sez Wolfie here.
PS2: Da hairstylists here suck!
PS3: Wolfie isn't a doggy, butt a local stud. I met him @ da party - he's kool!
PS4: Can U wait 4 me on da airport cos I got much stuff 'n dat?


Any advice from native speakers is highly welcome!

[Darth Mandarb]

You didn't comment on whether or not Sunny was an idiot (studid person) so I wrote it in decent English.Ã,  It can easily be dumbed up

Also, if she's an American she wouldn't use the word 'university' she'd say 'college'.Ã,  I didn't want to change that if she's not an American (though your description of her describes many American women I know)

Sunny,

Maybe you'll read this while I'm back at university next week, or maybe somebody will steal the letter before?

No problem if this happens, since I drew a map on the back that shows you what's up here in Swissland.

Lovely place, it has a beach and parties all night!Ã,  That means from evening to morning with boys and booze (free if you're sexy!!)

Sorry for the long letter, but I know you like to do the reading stuff!

Kisses
Gwenny

PS: I'm going to a place called, "Salzergwerk" tomorrow.Ã,  Wolfie says it's supposed to be more cool than the parties.
PS2: The hair stylists here suck!
PS3: Wolfie isn't a doggy, but a local stud.Ã,  I met him at the party.
PS4:Ã,  Can you wait for me at the airport?Ã,  I've got a lot of stuff!

My observations:
1) If somebody were to steal the letter (hence Sunny wouldn't get it) what difference would the map on the back make?
2) This isn't a very long letter ... I might suggest taking out the apology part.Ã,  Or moving all the PS's up into the body of the letter instead.

[Blackthorne]

Course, it could also read like this.......

Dear Sunny,

   What's up?  Maybe you'll read this when I get back at school next week or maybe some one ganks the letter before?

No probs, though, if that happened, since I drew a map on the back - it shows u all of what's happenin in Swiss..

This place rocks, and it even has a beach - and you can party all night!!
That means from dusk till dawn, 100% party with fine hotties and free booze if you're hot enough - and showin a bit of skin.  Sexy!!!

Sorry for the long letter, but I know how you like to do the reading stuff. 

Kisses,

Gwenny

PS: I'm goin to a place called "Salzbergwerk" or something tomorrow. It's supposed ta be more cool than the parties here, or so Wolfie sez.
PS2: The hairstylists here suck.  Bad.
PS3: Wolfie isn''t a dog, but a local Hottie. I met him @ the party - he's so cool!
PS4: Can U wait 4 me at the airport, cause I got so much crap to bring back?

Try that.

Bt

[Kweepa]

I think you can get the bimbo effect into the letter without resorting to a lot of text message shorthand and (c)rap spelling - the content and sentiment already express that quite nicely.
So Darth's translation is pretty good.
I'd like to know what she means about the letter being stolen. That's very unclear in all versions. If it's supposed to be a joke about how stupid the girl is it's a little overdone...
The joke about the "long letter" is perfect for me - it seems to have gone right over DM's head though.

[Albert Cuandero]

Thank you all! Let me go through some points.

@DM

She is american, that's right - I hoped this would be clear so I don't have to explicitly tell that (I don't like direct character descriptions in a game).Ã,  Thanks for the college hint (didn't realise that). The girl that served as a "real life model" for most of this character is actually german - so I don'tÃ,  think that "the bimbo syndrome" is something typical american...

Interessting that you (same as Steve & Blackthorene) felt the "bimbo effect" coming through well enough, alone by the contents/style (ie. even without the wrong spelling), but didn't assume she was stupid at the same time - this is a very valuable feedback!

As for your observations - sorry, but as Steve guessed, those are supposed to be jokes...Ã, 

@Blackthorne

Thanks fo the "slang-version"! I certainly will use some of the expressions!

@Steve

As said before I will take out some of the (c)rap spellingÃ, 

I am also aware that anyone as dumb as not to be able to project the causality of a letter being stole to the back side of the sheet should not be left uncared for - but I am looking for the atmosphere of the surrealistic humor in the spirit of LSL or the 80's comedies (Mel Brooks, Zucker Brothers etc.) Still I will reconsider this joke, as people seem to be rather puzzled than amused by it...

("Making people laugh is a serious business!" - Charlie Chaplin)

I will spend some more time with this and post it when I got it - since this letter is the first (and for quite some time the only) hint in the game I want give it all the attention it needs...

Thank you all again!

EDIT: Version 0.2... as it will appear in the game. Background is Photoshop, I tried overlaying scanned handwriting - but it looked crappy, so I went for the typing tool... What do you think?



RE-EDIT - I just noticed that my own (unintended) typos actually make it look very much as I wantedÃ, 

[Blackthorne]

Looks really nice, Albert!  I Like it!


Bt

[Angelos]

Add some funny smileys, kisses (XXX) or something at the end of the letter to
increase the bibmo-effect.
i.e. http://www.tutorus.com/RenatasCutePics.htm

You have to pass the  feeling that she is spoiled but not stupid so imho don't use
bad spelling. A girl can be a very smart bimbo. This means that she uses her inteligence to talk about things we find stupid. I will try to give an example :

This is an article about haircuts. It spans more than 1000 words !!!

The real way to make every day a great hair day? It all starts with the right haircut.

Has this ever happened to you? You walk into the salon, torn magazine page in hand, visions of Jennifer Aniston dancing in your head. By the time you leave, not only are you fairly certain the paparazzi won't to be chasing you down the street but that your new 'do actually makes you look more like Brad than the missus. What went wrong, you ask? After one too many Meg Ryan mishaps (who knew that haphazard hack look was so hard to do), we asked salon pro Denise Klicos of DK Salon in Baltimore for some advice on how every girl can find the perfect haircut.

Check the rest of the article here (that is if you really NEED to)

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0IBX/is_4_7/ai_71711514


Now, we al agree that it is stupid to write an entire article about haircuts,
but this does not mean that you don't need IQ points to do it.

I suppose this is what I expect from a spoiled girl.


Hope I helped


Angelos.

[auhsor]

Looks good, but I'm not sure on the misspelling of taht's. That is usually misspelt on the computer due to fast typing, but I am quite certain that it wouldn't have the same effect if written on paper.

[Albert Cuandero]

Thanks, Angelos - you got a point there. I will consider this as I take the development of this character into more depth. You are right about the smileys and such too, I think.

...I'm not sure on the misspelling of taht's. That is usually misspelt on the computer due to fast typing,...

That wasn't on intent - it was just me designing before I had my second coffee LOL. Thanks for the hint - I didn't notice that (taht?) one! LOL

[Mr Flibble]

PS stands for "post scriptum", which is Latin for after writing.
So you don't do "PS3" etc, you write PPPS, which would mean "Post-Post Scriptum".
And to clarify,
PS=PS
PS2=PPS
PS3=PPPS
PS4=PPPPS

[Albert Cuandero]

PS stands for "post scriptum", which is Latin for after writing.

I Ã,  know - Gwen surely doesn't. It's there to emphasize the fact, that Gwenda's interests aren't exactly focused on writing letters (I know people who actually do that!). I hope some readers might even smile on this one...Ã, 

But thanks anyway.

[Esseb]

I highly doubt anyone would misspell "that" as "taht" while writing a letter. Try going for more logical misspelling, like "mispelling" instead of "misspelling". Misspellings that occur from being bad at grammar, not typing.

[auhsor]

I highly doubt anyone would misspell "that" as "taht" while writing a letter. Try going for more logical misspelling, like "mispelling" instead of "misspelling". Misspellings that occur from being bad at grammar, not typing.

Hehe, thats the second time recently that someone has missed my post.

[stu]

Hehe, thats the second time recently that someone has missed my post.

huh? did someone say someything just there?