Fortnightly Writing Competition - A CRIMSON SHADE OF BLUE (Results)

[Sinitrena]

Fellow wordsmith and tellers of tales,

we've all read stories where eyes become orbs and the description of a burning fire needs four pages. Where the reader wishes the author had burned his thesaurus twenty pages ago. In other words: purple prose - prose that is so florid that it becomes painful to read.


You want some examples?

The branch Roran had added to the fire burst asunder with a muted pop as the coals underneath heated the gnarled length of wood to the point where a small cache of water or sap that had somehow evaded the rays of the sun for untold decades exploded into steam.

The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.

More examples can be found here.


So why do I force you to read this?

Because now I want you to write like that!


For this Fortnightly Writing Competition your task is to write a short story (preferably less than 4000 words) in the worst purple prose you can manage. And to make it even more of a challange: Make it a good story, that is, one with plot and characters.


Voting will be done in the following categories:

Best Character: Most believable or captivating or magnetic or unique: could be main character or supporting role
Best Plot: What happens in the story? Are the actions logical, exciting, suspenseful? Is it good despite the prose?
Best Atmosphere: Which story evoked the strongest feelings due to excitement/humour/intrigue/wonder/emotional intensity?
So bad it's good: This is our style category this time around. The more painful to read, the more hilarious and dreadful the prose, the better.


Deadline: 11. August 2015

Happy writing!

[Mandle]

Hahaha nice theme....Hopefully for the rest of the writers Baron is too busy because this contest is perfect for the huge thesaurus in his brain...

Also love the way the theme starts right from the thread name

[JudasFm]

I'm definitely in for this one Does bad punctuation count as well as bad writing?

[Sinitrena]

Does bad punctuation count as well as bad writing?

If you want to use bad punctuation - go ahead. But this topic is more about flowery language, not so much about bad writing in general.

[JudasFm]

Gotcha! I'll see what I can come up with

[Baron]

Hopefully for the rest of the writers Baron is too busy because this contest is perfect for the huge thesaurus in his brain...

True story: one time by accident I put my pickelhaube on upside-down and had to plug the bleeding hole in my head with the nearest tome at hand....

[Dualnames]

"Bright lights, big city", was something that he has caught a numerous amount of times, being uttered. Confusingly enough, however, it meant the world to him. It wasn't about being able to boast about it to his friends back home. To any other kind of man, that would be the one and sole perspective, but he was different. Unique as two objects that look the same. Identical, but diametrically different to the eyes of someone that doesn't get bedazzled easily. Like two drops of water, he was alike to others, but fundamentally unique, yet it didn't matter to anything for him. Low self-esteem and completely no confidence had ruled over his pitiful and uneventful life, like a lover he was fully surrendered to his emotions. Every night the closer he'd get to living, was by lighting up his LCD screen. But that was also his way out of it. Through observation, he begun creating of an ideal image for experiences actively denied by his own choices. Everything, was beginning to take its toll on him. Finding excuses became a hobby, a necessity to cope with his own inefficiencies. By justifying his actions, at least, it was possible for him to cope with his routine, a cage masterfully created throughout the years, a cage he has imprisoned himself in.

I WILL EDIT THIS MORE RESERVING SPACE THIS IS UNFINISHED.

[kconan]

The big cheese in the Philly cheese steak that is my company wants to powwow.   Obviously I'm being promoted from stamping ordinary parchments to stamping more important parchments!  The lane of cubicles I must traverse to reach Mr. Big Cheese is a hedgerows of pressboard and plastic.  One human shaped go-faster hoof in front of the opposing human shaped go-faster hoof, you can do it Johnson!  Bunco Industries put their hard-fought legal tender on a majestically, magnificent racehorse!

I exit my ToilCubeâ,,¢ to begin the swagger-stroll that is my pre-promotion saunter-strut.  The first stop is Gertrude, who is a rubineqsue character of cherubic and fleshy intensity clocking in around three-hundred and fifty L-bees and also a proud Mom of three.  Crumbs fall by the wayside as she grins and greets; the food particles that landed on her oft-ponderous reports seem to form a smiley-face.  Her continued positivity is of far-reaching, paramount importance to this large domicile where tasks are undertaken to support an overall profit-driven goal.  After departing her work-area, my trek crosses paths with Loni's cube which is adorned with photos of the time when she was a beauty queen.  She is the admin/notescriber, though the big kahuna doesn't offload many responsibilities on to her lovely shoulders.  Perhaps Loni genuinely is royalty, as anyone with such curvy, voluptuosity that emanates sky high degrees of perpetual sex-related-pheromones can rule my kingdom.  Loni bats her gigantor eyelashes at me and I reciprocate said eyelash batting, and the wanton passion-vibes could very well be sliced in the air via a Nodachi samurai sword in the hands of a screaming samurai hailing from feudalistic Japan or at the very least, by a Kukri knife wielded by a gritty Gurkha from Nepal.  The next cubicle on my path belongs to Billy, who fist-bump-gnashes me hard and inquires as to whether or not I work hard or hardly work while cackling maniacally.  Billy is an energetic and funny wizened cracker who cracks wise, and proves that you don't need to be witty or original to make others jubilant like when he espouses his views on Mondays being “no-fun-days” and randomly, loudly declares “TGIF” in support of Fridays.  In addition to being staunchly pro-Friday, nobody makes those birth anniversaries where nine-to-fivers celebrate their continued existence more momentous than Billy!  Next up is Sam, known as “Serious Sam” to us office dwellers, who madly pounds away on his modern day, powered typewriter like a maestro composing â€" that is if maestros composed debits and credits rather than instrumental acoustics.  As I go past, he glances through thick spectacles over a skyline of heaping paperwork littered with digits and characters and curtly nods for a snappy second before straightening his bowtie and returning to the arduous process of arguably industrious keypunching.  Every office needs a Sam to loudly fulfill computatively challenging, bean-counting objectives and in-turn churn out reams of dead trees both regardless and irregardless (basically regardless of regardlessness) of necessity.  My newfound success train blows by Phil, who often golfs with the big man and chuckles overly hard at his quips.  He hits me with the double finger guns in a rare salute which I eagerly return.  It seems that Phil often updates the suits on what the miners in the trenches at the tip of the spear are getting up to, which is so helpful because they do need to be in the loop.  He is also the first one to point out when officemates make an embarrassing mistake - we appreciate his frank, artless candor!  Last stop before El Jefe is Scott, who was hired by Human Resources at the Triennial Ethnic Employment Event.  Unlike the rest of the office, he quietly and diligently performs his work at a relatively high level.  It is always good to have someone around who performs their vocation well and without complaint, and certainly HR appreciates that his mixed heritage allows them to check off several boxes on the diversity scorecard.  Scott tips his cap, and at this very moment I stand in front of head honcho's office.  I silently promise myself that the extra moolah and acclaim won't go to my prodigious dome, as my workmates regale me with accolades over my newly coroneted role.

The ornate handle turns and clicks, and I skip into the High Lord's chamber.  It smells of teak, polished brass, and unrelenting success.  The chief adjusts his putter, hammers his target, and sinks it.  I fist-pump his eagle eye shot, just as he tells me that I am “out”.  Fantabulousness achieved!  I'm OUT of stamping and into executive-ing.   Bossman picks up the dimpled golf ball, stands up to the apex of his full height with perfect posture, flattens the creases in his tailored Brioni suit, and clarifies that I am out on the street and replaced as of right now.  My exclamation was drowned out by his flooding the room with torrents of oratory which ends with him reassuring that my replacement wasn't some newfangled automaton - since in the top suit's words “a fancy-schmancy robot would be vastly overqualified for the menial application of inking approval chops on paper” - but instead a trained macaque monkey!  With all of what remained of my herculean strength I force my eyeballs over to the newly added upscale room nearby, and spy my furry replacement â€" who was given a luxurious corner power-office â€" furiously eating a banana with one paw and mindlessly stamping documents with the other!  An animal handler scurries out of the monkey's room as I return my glare towards the former superior.  He barks at me to shut the door on my way out, and alleges that he prefers it not bonk me in the haunches while the process is undertaken.

The force of the door clobbering closed behind me was somewhere between a stalwart knight lopping heads mid-battle and that of a brawny King Kong fist-pound after three months of daily high-dosage testosterone injections.  I began the unenviable march back to clean out my desk.  The almighty, malevolent King's door finished reverberating just as Scott, you know Mister look-at-me I'm sooooo Worldly and exotic, tilts his head and feasts eyes on his newly fired colleague.  My noggin spins in his direction and I heatedly remind him that he was hired only because everybody likes mixed people, and the fact that he is a hard worker who grinds out crackshot results matters to no one.   I witness his head recoil from the ego blow and move on to Phil, who would require a heavy duty chisel to get all the brown off of that huge sneezer.  Grousing past I overhear him engaged in a hushed phone conversation about how my leaving affects office dynamics and politics, and how the monkey coming onboard is a game-changer for office parties/shindigs.  He receives two sturdy middle fingers for his efforts, as I jaunt by down the avenue of shitty, ramshackle cubicles.  One finger is for gossiping about me post-firing and the other was earned by his mercilessly stabbing me in the back weeks ago when he snitched to the bossmen about one of my rare mis-stamps AKA the “calamitous mis-mark heard round the work.”  Sam pretends not to look at me as I shuffle past, and I reward his lack of acknowledgment of my current position in space by swiping my hand across his dumb pile of dumber papers which send them flying, like a stack of paperwork compiled by a digithead workaholic with no life who produces sheer quantity rather than quality should go flying.  As Sam's weekly output descends around me, I powerwalk by Billy.  Billy's happy-go-lucky moron smile is returned with a sneer, and his attempt at a high-five is reversed into a behind-the-back judo armlock which I briefly hold, and then release with disgust upon arrival near Loni's Cube O' Lust.  Having front row seats to my treatment of Sam and Billy, Loni leers at me as she shakes her overly made up head from side-to-side, and I tell her to return to doing exactly one-tenth of jack shit while looking moderately-pretty while pretending to do something other than hoping for a rich client to walk in who also happens to be a desperate sugar daddy in the market for an aging seven point five.  Unashamedly and despite my biting comment, I playfully toss a snippet of paper with my mobile phone number on Loni's desk as the stroll o' shame passes by Gertrude.  My eyes surveil Gertrude's mountain of flesh that she calls a body, and continue on to her desk where I stare at her kid's attempt at artwork which was framed and prominently displayed at her work area.  Previously I had proclaimed to her that this shitscribble of unintelligible shapes was a masterpiece, and I now disabuse her of that notion.  Gertrude frowns, and I notice that from my current angle the disgusting crumbs on her desk presently appear to form the shape of a thumb pointing downwards.

I totter into my ToilCubeâ,,¢, ferociously sweep everything off the escritoire onto the floor, and yank out all of the drawers/cubbyholes haphazardly relegating the stuff inside to ubiquitous positions on the floor.  My hand swipes a baggie and small pillbox off the floor and I hurriedly shovel the contents of both down my gaping maw, and finish the procedure by maniacally gulping down my Kamikaze flavored Samurai Energy Drink to chase the dried peyote and Percocets.   Sifting through my crap on the floor while stewing, I eventually decide to once again wade through the cubicle passage and valiantly, boldly, stridently, and cavalierly confront…

…Beelzebub himself in his own fiery lair of doom.  The path of lost souls can easily be traversed, yet again, as I make my triumphant return to vanquish the vile Satan which thinks it bested me via shame and dismissal!  The shifting shapes which currently swirl around me are merely a minor, inconvenient obstacle in the gauntlet which lies before the great Johnson.  A disembodied voice asks me what I'm on, and I calmly explain to the unknown speaker that I've very obviously been huffing unicorn farts.  The mystery voice responds with something about calling “security guards” or maybe it said “furious tards” or “obscurity bards.”  No matter, if my path crosses that of a musician performing an overly vague and confusing song then I'll cross that bridge when he strums to it.

Now that I'm ready for Thunderdome both mentally and physically, I adjust the saddle of my jumbo hamster-chicken hybrid and give her a light kick behind the right tentacle and we charge off towards Gertrude's particleboard fortress.  The smiles of her neck flaps begin taunting me as I heroically soar past in a blur.  Loni begins swinging her now weaponized breasts in my direction and I'm bucked off my formerly trusty steed onto Billy's desk, who advises me to “run the Mengele file up the flag pole so we can close the deal champ” and further elocutes by raucously shouting “Thank God Its Sideways” which propels me sidelong into Sam's cluttered grindout-hut.  I look up at Sam's word TV, which declares “Initiating human civilization annexing sequence…” and then careen backwards into a beast of unholy concoction that consists of Phil's face on a giant buttocks adorned with the imprints of lipstick kisses.  I accuse the monstrous butt creature of shining Lucifer's pitchfork, and then stagger on past to collapse in a jumbly heap smack dab in front of a seemingly taken aback Scott.  The most international man at Bunco industries shakes off his case of the startles, gathers me up, and we exchange oddball glances as he gently leans me against the evil Dictator's foreboding gateway.  My right hand metamorphizes into a vintage door-knocker made of flesh, and so I use my left to lift the ring and dramatically strike the plate.  The entryway is now clear and I march into the wicked, opulent den of my arch nemesis.  The demon glowers daggers of hatred in my direction, calls me a “vociferous bastard”, and fires off a verbal barb about stamp efficiency already improving threefold.  Satan is now out of focus and bordered by black bars.  I sway, totter, and aurally perceive the sound of approaching footsteps as voluminous blackness overtakes my vision and I pitch rearward…

Johnson, splayed out on a stretcher unconscious and drooling, once again journeys through the alley of cubicles.  He briefly comes to as the mobile cot passes by his old desk and is awake long enough to hear an excited monkey shriek, immediately followed by the solid “thunk” sound that could only be a meaty paw cudgeling down on a punch-clock.

[Stupot]

(I might add some more, but probably not)

He closed the ancient, dusty tome with a loud thump of the sort most reminiscent of a leathery, steel-toed boot making painful contact with a rain-soaked mound of forgotten cement. Then, he placed it in its correct position on the so-shiny-he-could-almost-see-his-face-in-it oak bookshelf.

He pondered the spine of the archaic volume as he slid the aforementioned book onto the aforementioned shelf. With it's green, dwarf-skin cover and bindings woven from the auburn manes of a thousand dwarf children, the pre-antiquity-book emanated pure, unblighted beauty of a maginutde beyond the realms of human understanding.

Our unnamed protagonist, it should be known to you, my dear reader, was not human. And thus the pristine unknowable wonder of the ancient world was knowable only to he. And yet it still astounded him. For every time he caressed the dwarven dermis of the volume's façade, unspoiled by the grotesque human touch of ink or gilding, he was visited by the familiar beating drum of the ancients, calling him to open the pages once again and consume their  contents. And this time, just like every time, he was left rapt. Soaking. The juices of time and space still trickling their fated path down his trembling legs and into his hand-woven sandles.

[Baron]

Holy participation Batman!    Did someone shake a nest or something?!?

[Sinitrena]

Three entries and still more than three days to write
Keep them coming, guys

[Baron]

I'm working on something, about 2/3 done.  Will post in the next 24 hours.

[kconan]

Yes!  I figured you were cooking something up...

[Mandle]

My entry:

Spoiler

Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun maniefsts a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a omstly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living sa a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fnu manifests a motsly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely ofr fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for ufn manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun amnifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level albourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicknig freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthroipc Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not forlicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and nto frolicking freely orf fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Lviing as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-elvel labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolikcing freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandel.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living sa a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labouerr and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Madnle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely fro fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freeyl for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely fro fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and ont frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and nto frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanhtropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not froilcking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Livnig as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer nad not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a lwo-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-lveel labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labuorer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fnu manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a msotly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a omstly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-levle labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun amnifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a msotly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level albourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a msotly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifetss a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frloicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer nad not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freley for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Livnig as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.
Living as a low-level labourer and not frolicking freely for fun manifests a mostly misanthropic Mandle.

[close]

(I typed it up at a much overlooked hotel)

[Baron]

My god, he did type it.  I can spot the type-O's. 

My entry, at the last minute as always:

The King's Spotted Dick


John of Wode, my good friend and comrade of many years, righteous gentleman, chivalrous knight, brother of the Order of Kinderprinceling Sitting, and fellow companion to the heir of the Purple Velvet Throne, what vile fate hath cast us into such a seething pit of disrepute as this?

We follow the prince, to keep him safe.  Do you not recall the Anarchist threat against his life? 

I was speaking figuratively, Sir John.  Of course I know very well how the earthly vessels of our spirits arrived at this exact place and time.  What I am questioning, my good friend, is the cosmic rationality behind the infernal circumstances that compelled us in our loyal agency to sully both health and reputation by patronizing a warren of such filth and villainy as this.  The King's Spotted Dick, a tavern and inn named after a painful genital affliction to cater to the thirsts of beggared beggars and ditched ditch-diggers: the very lowest of the lowest of the low.  Outcasts and downcasts and sub-castes and thieves!   Have you ever seen such a wretched hive of malodorous riffraffery?

I say, Sir Jotham!  Sir Jotham of Haggar!

Oh woe betide the honour of my house, I am recognized!  Quickly, into the crowd before my identity is confirmed and my standing at court brought into permanent and eternal disrepute.  Here, among the teeming rag-mongers and filth-smiths and fart-weavers and burp-orators we should find some sanctuary amid the bawdy din and sweaty haze.  Cover your face, my good man, but hold yourself in an authentically casual stance so as not to beckon the attentions of gossipy eyes.

Is that Sir Henry of Bollingsbum?

One and the same, I'm afraid.  It really pains me to see the scion of such a noble family swoon so low, like a star brought to shooting frenzy only to land in the fetid manure pit of a chronically diarrhoetic cow. 

My, but he's got a lot of lady friends, hasn't he?

Aye, they are verily draped off him, like tattered bandages dangling from a festering wound.  The only one approximating feminine shape has some sort of fungal growth protruding from her nasal organ.  Ghastly creatures!  But pay no more heed, for they are all of them now past like the turds of breakfast, and flushed no doubt to an equally noxious sewer.  Prithee now, my companion, are you able to alight your eyes upon the prince from your stance of vantage?

Aye.  At the table in the far corner, with the red-haired lass.

Oh perfect!  A fiery vixen to scratch and snarl and strafe we keepers of the prince's virtue when the hour of curfew draws nigh.  Do you know I still wince when I step awkwardly on my left ankle due to the last woman the prince encountered....

At the Battle of Tarrowfleet?  That little warrior she-dwarf hardly counts-

-That venomous mink!  Flitting her way through the line of battle like an ermine through stalks of wheat, then setting upon the prince like a squirrel on a territorial rival.  The boy would no longer be spending the currency of his good-looks were I not there to intercept the brunt of her berserker malice!  That piddling imp-woman, foaming at the lips and biting like a mongrel mutt.  She was probably rabid, you know.  I swear the infection is yet within my bones, gnawing away at me from the inside like some insidious tapeworm, sapping me of strength and stamina until some day soon I shall be nothing but a spent husk, devoid of usefulness and value.  Were the wound not sustained in such a valiant act of loyalty, I don't think I could bear the agony of its ravages!

And yet bear it you shall, for many years I don't doubt.  Let the prince have his fun.  We are here to keep him safe, not marm him to exasperation.  Let us get a drink.

Yes.  A beverage most cold and quenching would be duly welcome upon my prattle parched palette.  But none of that cloudy ale from the monasteries: it bloats me like a whale carcass in the hot sun.  You would think that men trained to refine the clarity of their faith could apply such teachings to their secular enterprises.  My god!

'Tis a miracle, you are struck dumb!

Do you not see?  There through the churning throng of vagrants and vermin.  She's like a flower growing up through the dung pile.

What?  The one with the fake breasts?

How dare you, sir?!?  It is merely the perkiness of youth that causes them to defy gravity thusly.  A bust unbroken, as it were, by neither age nor guilt.  Unsullied innocence can lift more that just the soul, so who are we to wonder how something so angelic could float weightlessly through the ether?  Stare a moment, my good man; not to judge, but to marvel!

What'll it be, gov'ners?

Real boobs, my good tavern wench.  Or barring that, real beer.

Blimey!  This is an alehouse, not a meat-market!  The nerve of you gents these days....

Forgive my companion, good wench of politely undetermined years.  Sometimes his manners are as fleeting as the teeth of your smile.  But he bears no ill-will, merely a smouldering ignorance when it comes to the feminine form.  I myself am comfortable with the notion that women's breasts come in all shapes, sizes, and dispositions, whereas my friend insists that they must fit into a narrow definition of regulated conformity.  Obviously, I have bested him in this duel of double-D's, and he is thereby somewhat sore of temper.

Never to hear the end of it....

He's right, you know.  I had an aunt what lived a hundred years what could toss them over 'er shoulder, the more easy to carry them.

Damn my mind's eye, wench!  Do they keep growing like noses, ears and fingernails?  One more reason to stay in the rental market, I say.  Can you imagine the maintenance costs as they compounded over the years if you were the owner of the property?  It would be enough to ruin a man.  What of your uncle, then?  Was his dotage cut short by a mortal blow to the head when his wife turned too fast to face him?  Or did he trip over them when she sat down to her knitting, leaving the damnable things to spread over the floor like runny batter in a tepid pan?  But never mind, the point is proved again and again: exceptional tits are a commonplace, if you but dare to keep your eyes sharp.

Fine.  Breasts can come in all weights and measures, I agree but do not concede.  The point is this: the breast is beholden to its owner.  Thus an old saggy woman would be expected to have old saggy boobs.  A good tavern wench full of life and good humour would be expected to have a full and buxom bust-

-Hold your cup here, gov'ner.  Let me fish the spit out of there for you, on account of those fine words!

To continue: there is, however, no accord whatsoever between that skinny girl and her planet-sized spheres.

There, you concede at least that they are otherworldly.  Now travel with me just a measure farther down this track and I will see you safe and home at last.  Perhaps the young maiden has made visit to the depraved lair of a bewarted occultist well-versed in the black arts of frog-cooking and newt-buggery for an augmentation spell, or maybe she has paid a fine penny to lie on the blood encrusted table of Thomas the Barber and Sometimes Surgeon to help her development along.  But does that make her massive mammary glands any less a part of her?  Is the tumbler's sheath of muscle unnatural because he is not born to it?  Or the singer's perfect pitch, because she has trained at it?  Show me the graduate of Peppersham's Finishing School for Middling Year'd Urchins who claims not to have spent half a semester with a horseshoe tied to the end of his cock and stuffed down a pant leg and I'll show you a liar!  It is in the nature of humanity to yearn to improve oneself, and therefore it is entirely natural that a slender young maiden shall sport the biggest juiciest melons ever grown upon the garden of a woman's chest.

Piss and wind!

You care to refute my carefully constructed case?

Aye.  But I was talking about the beer.  It's like someone dissolved a fart in a keg of urine and served it up to customers at half-a-groat per pint.  I think it tasted better with the spit still in....

Bide yourself half a moment, gov'ner, and I'll fix it up for you presently!

My good phlegmatic tavern wench, would that you had sufficient phlegm.  But I'm afraid I'd need an army of checker-toothed ale-mongers horking around the clock just to make it tolerable.  I'll pass.  Now what's this?

A pamphlet, my good fellow.  The very thin edge of a very long wedge leading straight to popular mass-deluded tyranny, guild-sponsored political obfuscation, and leaders with preternaturally sexy hair.  Would that the clock would seize and stop our ceaseless progress towards perdition!  In my own lifetime I've seen the long slide begin, with the new-thought contraptions of cannon and those powder-fused bombs that let any Billy Anarchist with opposable digits and half a wit to challenge the most highly skilled knight.  Mark my words, as time grinds on we shall see the meek of the earth rise up like so many turds on water, and turn our polity into a crass echo-chamber of the lowest-common denominator.

Hmmm.  'Tis an Anarchist diatribe against the royal house, threatening the use of those very bombs of which you speak against the prince himself unless the council immediately submit to demands for land-redistribution, urban sanitation and something called a “week end” in midsummer.

The very audacity!

The threat is unusually detailed.  It specifies that they'll splatter his brains across half the city by placing two bombs on either side of his head. 

Crazy Anarchist delusions!  They'll never get two bombs within a racing-furlong of the prince with the Brotherhood watching over him as we do.  Our vigilance is as unblinking as our... uh....

Lost your wagon convoy of thought, hmmmm?

No.  I've just had a very nasty bit of fearful free-associative contemplation.

Eh?

The tits, you turtle-noodled dullard!  We've got to stop the tits!

[Sinitrena]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're done!

Our participants are:

Dualnames
kconan
Stupot+
Mandle
Baron

Thank you all for your entries.

Now, it is time to vote.
As a reminder, here are the categories for this round:

Best Character: Most believable or captivating or magnetic or unique: could be main character or supporting role
Best Plot: What happens in the story? Are the actions logical, exciting, suspenseful? Is it good despite the prose?
Best Atmosphere: Which story evoked the strongest feelings due to excitement/humour/intrigue/wonder/emotional intensity?
So bad it's good: This is our style category this time around. The more painful to read, the more hilarious and dreadful the prose, the better.

You can vote for up to 2 people per category.

Voting is open until Sunday, 16. August.

[Baron]

I'm not going to have time to do this over the weekend, so I've read through them all already in order to vote early.

Best Character: kconan for Gertrude.  And Loni.  And Billy.  And Sam.  And Phil.  And Scott.  The boss was a bit flat though... But you easily made up for it with the monkey!   Seriously though, you crammed a world of office archetypes into one little ToilCubeâ,,¢ row and brought them to life.

Best Plot: kconan for running the ToilCubeâ,,¢ gauntlet four times, each in a different state of mind.  I've got to give Stupot+ a point here, too, for his lemon twist at the very end.

Best Atmosphere: kconan, since you could feel the strength of Johnson's changeable emotions each time he passed down the ToilCubeâ,,¢ row.  I'm also going to give Dualnames a point here, for the moody brooding of his character (a pity the piece wasn't finished).

So bad it's good: This one was tough, as there were mind-bogglingly overcomplicated sentences in every piece, but I honestly think for sheer volume of hilarious phrases that kconan deserves the point for this one as well.  His truly was an epic of the purplest hue.  I think my favourite line was the one describing the force of the office door closing as somewhere between a stalwart knight lopping heads mid-battle and that of a brawny King Kong fist-pound after three months of daily high-dosage testosterone injections.  But then I go in for that zany kind of stuff.  So good job!

I don't know how many people read the votes before digging into the stories (I never read the votes before I've come to my own conclusions), but if you're reading this and haven't read the above stories I really would recommend kconan's piece.  Yeah, there's a lot of words, but they are very entertainingly strung together.  So delve in, have fun, and vote!

[kconan]

Best Character: Baron's Jotham.
Best Plot: Baron...I was curious to hear more about the rebellion and the Tavern wench's rackola, both were intriguing to read about.  And much like Baron voted, I'll give Stupot+ a point as well.
Best Atmosphere: Baron's alehouse reeked of rusty tankards of grog and medieval sexism.
So bad it's good: Baron, for I had to slow my reading pace due to the descriptions, and I loved "...as time grinds on we shall see the meek of the earth rise up like so many turds on water, and turn our polity into a crass echo-chamber of the lowest-common denominator."

[Sinitrena]

Just a reminder that you can and should vote here! - There are still a few hours left.
We have five entries and only two voters thus far and that's not enough. So please read the stories and cast your votes!!!

[Ponch]

I shall vote later this evening...

[space reserved for voting once I get home]


Best Character: Kconan
Best Plot: Baron
Best Atmosphere: Stu (short but sweet)
So bad it's good: Baron

Nice work, everyone.
You know, this is the fifth time I've started an entry of my own, but not managed to finish it. It's a bit depressing.