Fortnightly Writing Comp - INEPT PERSONAL AD - Results

Baron · Sat 07/02/2015 05:42:53

The Joint Committee of Writing Topic Allocation (ie Sinitrena & Baron) presents...

Ineptitude in Personal Ads

Love, obviously, is an affair of the heart, but in the quest for love some people obviously leave their brain behind. For this Valentine's edition of the Fortnightly Writing Competition, we are challenging you to write a fictional Inept Personal Ad wherein your main character is looking for love or companionship. The format is completely open to the writer's discretion, but can possibly be: a traditional print ad, a dating website profile, a dating site video transcription, a love letter, etc. The length and tone are up to you: it is an easy topic to have some fun with, but we feel the topic also avails itself to critical analysis of the expectations of what "love" is in this day and age. We advise you to read the voting criteria (below) carefully, since our ideal entry will balance both humour and thoughtfulness. But first, some examples to get the creative juices flowing:

The voting criteria will be as follows:

1) Best Character (most inept, or most date-able, or most rounded, or most endearing....)
2) Best Use of the Language of Love (ie best word-choice/style)
3) Best Hook (the strategy the character uses to stand out from the crowd to get attention)
4) Best Social Commentary (Who has best revealed the good and ugly about modern society and its ideas of love)
5) Best Overall (Most entertaining, sweetest, etc.)

Deadline is February 21, or until there are at least three entries. There will be no tie-breaking vote by your contest organizers, since we reserve the right to participate (being the two most reliable participants in the FWC in that we have neither of us missed a contest that we were eligible for in the past 2 years

). As potential participants, we will vote just like everyone else does. So that this does not lead to confusion about when the contest is over, a strict voting deadline will be enforced (the exact date to be determined once the contest closes).

Good luck to all participants, and happy writing!

Myinah · Sat 07/02/2015 10:26:17

Nice subject! Here is my entry to kick things off:

Main Protagonist's Craigslist Drafts

Tired of always having to rescue my girlfriend. Looking for strong, independent woman to partner me in life. Must be solvent, have own weapons and enjoy the occasional performance enhancing drug. Bonus points if you are tsundere, sarcastic, or sassy and look like me wearing false eyelashes, lipstick and a pink bow.

Would like to meet genetic cloning specialist to discuss a project of a personal nature. When replying please put "Clones 4 U" in the subject line so I know you are genuine.

Baron · Tue 10/02/2015 02:24:19

I think that must be a record for submission off the mark. The contest rules weren't leaked ahead of time, were they?

Let's see more!

I<3Pindorama! · Tue 10/02/2015 14:31:33

You that are looking for a perfect human being, religious sound mind, without vices, who holds the position of importance in a multinational of organics products, financially stable, slender body, practitioner of extreme sports, who likes to travel in the world, who traveled a space bus, saved a baby elephant in Africa, swam with dolphins, was twice nominated for the Nobel prize for literature, won twice the Nobel prize for literature, currently is working, days and nights, in a private laboratory installed in a mansion in the Alps Swiss to develop a revolutionary formula that will be able to eradicate hunger in the world, played a fundamental role in the diplomatic relationship that ended hostilities between two terribly enemies nations, hatched 2 eggs of an abandoned nest of a starling, created these baby birdies and taught to take in beak a clove buds and deposit them in the Taj-Mahal's entrance and after then sing Bealtes's Yesterday don't accept payments in traveler's check ... in short, a soul mate ...

Spoiler

Good luck! You will need it...

For everyone else, I'm available.

[close]

CaptainD · Tue 10/02/2015 15:53:18

Baron - I'd like to do a couple based on characters in my games, but I'm not sure that would be fair in view of voting criteria 1?

kconan · Mon 16/02/2015 21:21:40

StupidCupidâ,,¢ Personals...Scraping the Bottom of the Dating Barrel Since 2002!
_________________

_________________
Name: Travis White
Sex: All Male *wink*
Species: Homer Sapien
Occupation Chemist
_________________
Seeking...
Relationship with no strings (chains are possible however)

My Ideal Woman Has...
1. A Pulse

A Little About Me...
I'm a stay-at-home chemist who has recently been longing for a woman's attentions that don't involve restraining orders. My work keeps me busy, but I always manage to find time for hobbies such as tending to my attic greenhouse and collecting overdue debts. I have a big heart, or so my cardiologist tells me, and I'm a chivalrous kind of guy who holds doors open for old ladies, cripples, midgets (and dwarves), spastics, addle-heads, hoboes, and eskimos. But don't mistake my being old fashioned for a lack of sensitivity regarding the changing times, as I staunchly refuse to open doors for any young women and/or able-bodied non-addleheads. Like my parole officers always state in court: There is no one quite like Travis White.

Our First Date...
I would setup a romantical evening in my luxurious accommodation at the Rusty Hulks Cove Trailer Park: Phase Three. With roses-in-hand (availability depending on nearby funeral home) I'd greet you at your car, and tenderly hold your hand while we race to my humble abode/lab to the tune of my ankle monitor alarm. Next, I would seat you at the dinner table that will of course be elegantly set with my finest China. Yes that's right, all of my plasticware is made in China - only the best for my new sweetheart! I'm a skilled cook, when it comes to both food and REDACTED. The 3-course meal would start with Funyuns with a Cheese Whiz reduction, followed by SPAM Wellington, and we would top the whole dinner off with Count Chocula Mousse. For the wine and spirit selections we have cupboard-aged boxed wine and some old moonshine, though the latter requires advance notice so I can siphon it from the neighbor's lawnmower - but I would relish this opportunity just to prove that I'm willing to go the extra mile for YOU. After dinner I will set the tone with some electric candles (no flames allowed near the lab) and a soft, romantic song of your choosing from Two Live Crew's vast catalogue. The mood will have been set by now, and so I'm going to snuggle up real close and whisper sweet nothings in your ear to officially mark the start of our passions (that's fancy speak for bumpin' uglies). Since I'm an old fashioned Southern Gentleman, I will insist that I affix the ball gag-END OF PAGE 1-

Baron · Wed 18/02/2015 01:14:00

Quote from: CaptainD on Tue 10/02/2015 15:53:18
Baron - I'd like to do a couple based on characters in my games, but I'm not sure that would be fair in view of voting criteria 1?

Sorry, I thought I responded to this.

I would say go ahead and use your characters, so long as you'll portray them in an original work for this competition (It's not a dating game, is it?). If you can portray either of them as charismatic super-Ã¼ber-mecha-lovers within a format consistent with the competition, I would say you've earned our votes. Good luck!

Giraffadon · Wed 18/02/2015 18:57:57

Ugly virgin, desperately seeks sex of any description.
Suave, sophisticated, witty... abababababa...aha...aha..aha.
Hot young buck.
Foxy stoat seeks...pig!
Foxy stoat...on the prowl rrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Musky...musky fox.
Musky sly old foxy stoat.
Minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat.

Kudos if you get the reference.

Best character: Sinitrena
Best use of the language of love: Sane co
Best hook: Ponch
Best social commentary: Baron
Best overall: Sinitrena

Edit: sad that no-one got the reference...
Mine was never a real entry...so sad...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToZVOSWcRuk

I<3Pindorama! · Wed 18/02/2015 19:20:49

Spoiler

[close]

Baron · Thu 19/02/2015 02:02:44

Is that really your own work?

Three more days left: let's see some more high-calibre submissions!

Sane Co. · Fri 20/02/2015 19:29:19

If you are reading this, I am probabley dead.

Dead from all the love that you are going to inevitbly send me. In fact after you read this you will be unable to resist my pull.
I am a liberal arts major undergrad at the university and am the hardest working person I know, everybody says so. I have knowledge and intelegence in regaurds to all aspects of liturature and writing. My classmate told me that i was even smarter then the teacher. I am currently writing a book, it is quite good, with a bit of tu quoque scattered within its pages. I am also looking to share my apartment in exchange for editting of my works. I will provide this to you for free. Once you come to live with me, I will make a fortune from my writings about true love, which symbolize the relationship we will have. The first character will be called seamus (pronounced Shame us, something which this living together will not do). The second will be sam, a lesbian which seemus woos to live with him and they fall in love, the perfect modern romance. Not only will you get to live with me, I will provide all things for you from my book earnings and we shall always have fun going to the little sushi shop on federal and james and come back home to watch new episodes of Kimishi no Bondino and Santanko Kimchi no Mochi. So as you can see, not only is it benificial for me for you to live with me, but also for you as i will provide everything you need ever.
Thanks,
Uncle Sane wants you.
Please only call if you are a cute female, in her early 20s, preferably Japanese or Korean, but americans and black people, but no mexicans or north koreans (unless your kim jong un, Seth Rogan gave me great ideas.) can also apply. Not everyone will get in as I do have high standards for people who I will let be with me.

Baron · Sat 21/02/2015 02:01:21

24 more hours!

Sinitrena · Sat 21/02/2015 02:52:57

Grammer-Nazi looking for Grammer-Narcissus

Your aware of the difference between their, there and theyâ€˜re? You now that it's is possessive and its means it is? You can tell how far the world could of come if people just used there language correctly? You are likely minded? Than your the one and only for me. How I am? The love of you're live, the sex-god of you're dreams.

Write to the paper under box-number 14-13D9O19O1F11U5S19.

-------------------------------

I'm glad we have more entries than last time. And as Baron said, there's still time, so keep them coming, guys!

Baron · Sat 21/02/2015 04:53:14

Not really my own character, but I fell in love with the concept and tried to portray him in a unique light:

------------

Ponch · Sat 21/02/2015 14:29:01

Name: John Doe
Sex: You don't have to worry about that. I'm a nice guy. I'm a big kid, really. ;^)
Occupation: Former sales manager of local toy store

Seeking:
A single mother looking for a family man!

My ideal woman has:
Kids! :^D

About me:
Just your typical nice guy who loves kids and being around kids and playing with kids. I don't have any of my own kids (that I'm allowed to see but that's just because the courts are corrupt and all the judges hate dads and don't want dads to be around their kids or anyone's kids but that's just how things are today so there's no point in getting mad about it). The important thing is that I love kids!

Our first date:
We could go out to McDonalds or the park or the YMCA's pool. Where ever your kids would like to go. Probably somewhere where there are lots of other kids, right? Maybe the water park? Heck, I know it must be hard being a single mom. So if you want, you can just go out and have a nice night out by yourself. I'll stay behind and watch the kids for you. It'll be fun. I don't mind. And don't worry about me spoiling them. I promise you I'll have them in bed early. You don't have to worry about a thing. I'll take care of everything. You just go out and have a good time. You deserve it! :^*

Call me! I'm in room 14 of the "Second Chances Halfway House for Men." I'll be waiting by the phone! Go ahead and put your kids on when you call. I'd love to talk to them!

Kids must be between the ages of five to ten. No older than that, please. Thanks!

Baron · Sun 22/02/2015 02:44:30

Freaky! Ponch just broke his 335 day writing boycott!

Also.... freaky!

Voting starts six hours from the time of this post, so if anyone has a last-minute entry get it in by then. Voting runs until it is no longer February 24th, 2015 in your time zone, or until at least six people have voted, whichever comes first. The categories are as published, above, but I'll repeat them here:

Best Character: (most inept, or most date-able, or most rounded, or most endearing....)
Best Use of the Language of Love: (ie best word-choice/style)
Best Hook: (the strategy the character uses to stand out from the crowd to get attention)
Best Social Commentary: (Who has best revealed the good and ugly about modern society and its ideas of love)
Best Overall: (Most entertaining, sweetest, etc.)

Eligible participants include (I'll update the list if there are any last minute entries):

Myinah: Craigslist Using Narcissist
I<3Pindorama!: Unidentified Realist
kconan: Travis White
Giraffadon: Ugly Virgin
Sane Co.: Uncle Sane
Sinitrena: Grammer-Nazi
Baron: Henry Tudor Jr.
Ponch: John Doe

Trophies will be a weird hybrid artistic fusion created jointly (but separately) by Sinitrena and myself. Good luck everyone, and happy reading!

Myinah · Mon 23/02/2015 00:23:54

Best Character: Sane Co and Sinitrena - You are giving me nam like flashbacks to my worst OKcupid experiences. Very inept and scarily true to life.
Best Use of the Language of Love: Sinitrena for all that deliberately terrible grammar. I imagine it was painful to write. You truly suffered for your art.
Best Hook: Sane Co - who doesn't want to be the muse to a genuis like Uncle Sane.
Best Social Commentary: Sane Co - The oblivious, entitled, "im a nice guy" neck beardy, racist reminds me of easily at least 30% of my OKcupid messages. It is disturbingly true to life in a way that makes me wince.
Best Overall: Sane Co for much of what I stated above. Sinitrena a close second.

Stupot · Mon 23/02/2015 05:55:43

Oh dear God Ponch. That actually sent a shiver down my spine.
Haven't sat and read them all yet, but I'll reserve this sit for my votes when I have.

kconan · Mon 23/02/2015 20:36:44

Best Character: Ponch...Its inept from one angle, but that God-awful angle makes my meth dealer look like Mr. Wonderful.
Best Use of the Language of Love: Sinitrena AND I<3Pindorama!...The former for clever use of misspellings and bad grammar and the latter employed some kind of dreamlike flow/quality to the prose.
Best Hook: Baron...Nobody stands out like Henry the 8th. Also, "troubadour pop" killed me.
Best Social Commentary: Sane Co...Bragging through a 3rd party via "So and So says this about me..." always annoys me, and overall this character reminds of the kooky bloggers I'll stumble across when Google searching.
Best Overall: Baron...Its a perfect and hilarious recreation of a nutty historical figure in inept personal ad form.

Baron · Tue 24/02/2015 02:25:19

Good reads all around! Very creative (and occasionally disturbing

) takes on the theme. I am always amazed at how ~~Ponch can pervert just about anything~~ our contributors always manage to create such diverse, surprising, and genuinely inspired literature from just a vague thematic notion.

My votes:

Best Character: Easily knonan's Travis White. He's the perfect blend of white trash ineptitude and hillbilly gumption. What a catch, ladies!
Best Use of the Language of Love: Gotta be Sinitrena for ironic yet accurate mimicry of common internet dating site parlance.

Best Hook: I'm going with Sane Co. for his too-over-the-top dramatics: very sly way of getting attention from someone who craves being the centre of attention!
Best Social Commentary: I think I<3Pindorama!'s subtle commentary on society's obsession with finding some sort of perfect superhuman as a dating match wins this category.
Best Overall: I chuckled the most at kconan's, but I also genuinely think there'd be a certain class of backwater female that would find Travis White's antics genuinely charming, so I've got to give him this category.

Remember, you've got until the end of tomorrow to vote. If we don't have six votes by then, the contest will end at the precise instant that the sixth and final ballot is cast. Keep those votes coming in!