Fortnightly Writing Competition: iRobot! RESULTS ANNOUNCED

[Baron]

Hey Hey!  The more entries the merrier!  I'll sit down at my computer on the 14th (tomorrow) in about 28 hours, so you've got about that long to make your submission (or compose a really compelling argument for why you deserve an extension).  Looking forward to more submissions!

[Ponch]

Life isn't easy when you're microscopically tiny. And if you happen to be one of a cluster of prototype nanomachines assigned a thankless and high-pressure task, it doesn't get any easier.

HPR-SMU 0361a sighed deeply, more than you might think a teeny robot would be capable of. He paused briefly (1.2 picoseconds) in his work, as he so often did at this point in his daily operational cycle.

"I could be curing cancer in some unfortunate little kid. Or repairing the spinal cord of a man so that he could dance at his daughter's wedding some day in the future. Heck, I could be be helping a dumb but loveable dog in getting that crayon he ate to go on its way and find a path back to the outside world and daylight.... But no... I have to do this all day long."

0361a sighed again.

"Oh well, at least I get to spend all day out on the strand, soaking up the sun light." (Which was good since he derived 55.621% of his power from his tiny solar cells). "I shouldn't complain. I could be one of those poor bastards down on the surface, joint deep in oils and whatnot."

He shuddered microscopically at the thought.

"There but for the grace of Dedicated Sub-Routines go I."

A gentle breeze blew through his tiny world, making the strand he clung to drift about slightly. Smells from out in the large world passed over him, but he couldn't smell them. Probably best that way.

"Honey? You up there?"

The voice of 0361b came up from below, surprisingly nasal despite the distance and the utter lack of a nose. It was the kind of voice that had sounded cute in the beginning of their relationship, but now it grated on him more often that he liked.

"Honey?"

Another sigh, deeper than before.

"You up there?"

"Yes." Careful to keep the words from sounding clipped. "I'm up here, puddin' pop. At work. What do you need?"

"Just wanted to remind you about our dinner plans tonight."

Dinner plans? He quickly indexed his memory files. What dinner plans?

"What dinner plans are you talking about, sugar doodle?"

"We're having that nice couple over. The ones from SMU. Remember?"

SMU, he thought to himself. I don't know anyone in scalp management unit. And why would I want a bunch of strangers in my follicle on a week night?

"Who are you talking about, honey bunches?"

"The 248s, dear. We met them at the supermarket last week, remember?"

"You met them, sweetums."

"But I told you all about them. You know that."

He loved her very much, but arguing with her about something once she had her mind set on it was like trying to talk to a GOTO statement.

Another even deeper sigh.

"Sure. Fine. But why on a work night, angel kisses? You know how I am after a long day of keeping this transplanted hair strand in good condition. You know he spends his money on everything but good shampoo."

"It was your idea!" She was giving this the hard sale, that was for sure. But she'd overshot the mark.

"Want to try that one again, pooh bear?" It was a rare opportunity to catch her in an overreach.

"Ummm... Welll..." Uncertain. He savored it. "It was our idea, I guess."

"Uh huh. And when did we have this idea, sweetie?"

"Last night. After the news. About 2330 cycles, I suppose." Unexpectedly on the defensive, her voice was almost like a child's.

I fucking knew it, he thought to himself. His grippers clutched the strand so tightly they threatened to undo all the work of the last 70 cycles. Mustn't sound like I'm gloating or I won't be able to use this moment against her in the future, he cautioned himself.

"Cookie bits, you know I go into sleep mode at 2300 cycles. I'm solar powered, don't forget."

"I thought you were awake, I swear." A hint of challenge underneath her words. She was willing to take this one to the mat. Over pride? Not sure yet.

"Honey..." he warned.

"I did! How am I supposed to tell when you're asleep and when you just don't want to talk to me. I can't tell the difference when you get all grouchy and grumpy."

Sigh.

"Cupcake, we've been through this. We agreed on this. Conversations we have when only one of us is awake don't count. We agreed."

"I won't take the blame for you being grouchy!"

Ssssiiiiiiiigghhhhhhhh.

A long pause.

...

A longer pause.

"I've already cleaned the house... and set the table." The words were hopeful but also conciliatory. They'd hash this out later.

"What time are they going to be here, boo bunny?"

"1800 cycles. They can't wait to meet you. I've told them how important your work is."

"We're all part of the same nanomachine cluster, pookums. We're all working on the same project."

"Yes. But they're scalp maintenance, like me. You're out on one of the actual hair strands. The whole world can see your work."

"I love you for saying it, pookie. But don't over sell it to them, okay? It's not like I know the guy or anything. I just keep his hair plugs looking good. Me and a million other nanobots."

Now it was her turn to sigh. It carried up from below like an adorable little breeze.

"Would you take a little pride in your work tonight? For them? ... For me?" The love and devotion in her tone was unmistakable.

He felt himself warm just a little and he dearly hoped it was affection and not his heat sink beginning to fail.

"All right, honey. For you. But don't lead them into believing that I know him or anything. He's the vice president of the United States, but I'm just a humble nanobot."

"Good! We'll all have a great time. You'll see. And don't forget to go to the store and pick up a pack of iSteaks. And no cheap cuts. We're having company."

"The store? But I'm all the way up here. Can't you do it?"

"You said you would. Last night, remember?"

Sigh.

[Baron]

Alrighty then!  A record six submissions!  That's more than the number of squirrels you can fit in a cookie tin -I'm impressed.  Our entries are as follows:

kconan:  BOLT RESEARCH LABS
Chef!:  WALK-BOT #651
Adeel S. Ahmed: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
Stupot+: LIMERICK SUICIDE
Cerno: TROLLS
Ponch: MICROSCOPIC SIGH

Some authors didn't title their work, so I just improvised as best I could without actually reading the whole stories (I'll get to it, don't worry!).

Given that we have so many entries, and given that voter turn-out is sometimes less than six, I'm going to implement the following preferential voting scheme to clearly determine a first, second and third place.  Read carefully because I'm only going to write this once:

  You must choose your three favourite stories and rank them by preference.  The first in your list (which should be indicated as 1st) will be apportioned 3 points, the second (which should be indicated as 2nd) will be given two points, and the third (labelled 3rd) only 1 point.  This means you have six points to award.  In the event that you can't decide 1st-3rd you may give 3 second places (3 x 2 points =6 points), but no voter can award more than 3 points to any contestant and no voter can award more than 6 points total.  Here's an example of what your ballot should look like:

1st place = Baron (3 points)
2nd place = Pumaman (2 points)
3rd place = Richard Nixon (1 point)

I will compute the totals exactly 72 hours hence (that's 10pm EDT, Friday May 17) -or as soon thereafter as I can get to a computer.  In the event of a tie I myself as host will cast a ballot which will decide the issue.  Good luck to all entrants, and see you all at the trophy ceremony three days from now!

[Ponch]

Calculus is fun!

[kconan]

1st place = Cerno
2nd place = Chef!
3rd place = Ponch

[Ponch]

1) Stupot (2.42 votes)
2) Kconan (2.37 votes)
3) Chef! (1.21 votes)

(I was going to do a "solve for x" joke for my votes, but it turns out I hate math too much to go that far for a joke. ). Also, these are some of the best entries we've had in a while. I wish I could have given everyone a fraction of a vote! 

[Cerno]

This was tough, but for me Chef! nailed it with his slightly melancholy setting and an adorable bot that acts equal parts child, equal parts puppy. Well done!

1) Chef! - 3 Points
2) kconan - 2 Points
3) Ponch - 1 Point

[Baron]

(I was going to do a "solve for x" joke for my votes, but it turns out I hate math too much to go that far for a joke. ).

Push out the hate, bring in the love. 

Also, these are some of the best entries we've had in a while.

What about last competition??  I remember a real hum-dinger last time around....   

I wish I could have given everyone a fraction of a vote!   

Well.... rereading my needlessly complex voting rules, I don't see anything against doing that.  Although it'd be a bit chincy reapportioning them now....

WE NEED MORE VOTES!!!!  I just finished reading through the stories, and I've recorded my votes in case they are needed.  Nice stories all around: I had a hard time deciding who to vote for.  Good luck to all entrants!

[Ponch]

Six people entered. But only three people have voted. It's like some sort of Thunderdome involving fractions and lowest common denominators.

Come on, AGS Community! You're better than this! You're better than math! Now get in there and vote!

[Stupot]

Man, This is hard. Some interesting ideas here.
I'm going with:
1. Chef!
2. Cerno
3. Ponch

Sorry to Adeel and kconan.

[Chef!]

All the stories are really good and I wish I didn't have to choose; good thing I get three votes.
1) Cerno, I like the reincarnation concept and it was a well crafted tale.
2) Ponch, very creative
3) Stupot+, good poem!

[kaput]

1st Ponch
2nd Adeel
3rd Cerno

It was a tough choice between Adeel and kconan and, whilst I was a little unsure about how such leaps in time were implemented in Adeel's story, I liked the idea as a whole.

Ponch wins for 'realism'. His dialogues are always so natural.

Nice to read

Edit: Also : "What a man gets by provoking war? Nothing can be achieved from evil." - beautiful. Nice job Adeel. Nice job.

[Baron]

Wow, that was close!  I tabulate the votes as follows:

Chef!: = 9.21 points
Cerno: = 9 points
Ponch: = 8 points
kconan: = 4.37 points
Stupot+: = 3.42 points
Adeel S. Ahmed: = 2 points

So, by the slimmest margin in Writing Competition history, I hereby declare Chef! the winner!  Congratulations!  Let's break out some hardware, shall we?

  The golden sentient robot goes to Chef! for his "childish puppy" bot, as Cerno put it.  I think the charm of this piece was in its simplicity.  Logically, a robot becoming self-aware would be taking intellectual baby-steps at first, so I agree that his piece was the best thought-out.  Congratulations!

  The silver self-aware-bot goes to Cerno, and a hard fought running-up it was.  For me, this was the most gripping piece.  I loved the idea of a sentient virus, not omnipotent like Skynet but just some little program that has to struggle and learn over the years to achieve just a small goal.  Good job!

  The bronze trash can goes to Ponch for his witty and accurate dialogue between an old married couple.  I thought it was cute, clever and eerily realistic.  For me it was the most entertaining.

Congratulations to all participants for a fine fleet of entries.  I hope we get such quality and quantity again next time when Chef! sets the rules.  Take it away, Chef!

[Cerno]

Congratulations to a well deserved first place, Chef!.

Also I am pleased that the preferential voting scheme employed here lead to more accurate results (at least to me).
If we had only one vote per person, we would have ended up with 2 first places, and 2 second places.

So I would be quite happy to see this voting scheme employed more often in the future.

[Stupot]

I should get a prize for correctly guessing the top three entries

Well done to Chef! and co.
I wish I hadn't pre-hyped my limerick now :/

[Baron]

Also I am pleased that the preferential voting scheme employed here lead to more accurate results (at least to me).

So I would be quite happy to see this voting scheme employed more often in the future.

But make it even more complex, so as to underhandedly keep those mathaphobes from exercising their democratic rights!

[Ponch]

I wish I hadn't pre-hyped my limerick now :/

Don't sell yourself short, Stu. Maybe you didn't win today, but you'll always be worth 2.42 votes in my heart.

[Stupot]

Thanks Ponch. Maybe I'll do my next entry in haiku form... actually, no.